The funny thread

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 10 Jun 2006, 23:40

Sorry, but the funniest thing about that article was the berated one's name: Elvis Ho. That's not a name, that's a statement

brooce-leroy · Post by **brooce-leroy** » 11 Jun 2006, 00:49

A lot of Chinese people are called Elvis. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 11 Jun 2006, 01:38

Let's not forget Elvis Tsui, but yeah, cool name, Elvis Ho, lol

"Bus Uncle" has his own entourage! :mrgreen:

Unrealnils · Post by **Unrealnils** » 11 Jun 2006, 10:58

You tube rules

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 13 Jun 2006, 14:25

David Beckham decides to go horseriding. He has never ridden a horse before.
Gingerly, he climbs on the horse and grabs the reins
It starts off well, slowly and he's enjoying it, but then he starts to panic as the horse seems out of control, faster and faster. He hangs on for dear life to keep himself from falling off, his face is going red from effort.

When the Tesco security guard comes over and unplugs the horse.

Shen · Post by **Shen** » 13 Jun 2006, 14:36

good one

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 29 Jun 2006, 16:54

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as

"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords

kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find
it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 29 Jun 2006, 18:56

Nice

BiscLimpkit · Post by **BiscLimpkit** » 29 Jun 2006, 23:06

Sehr Gut.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 30 Jun 2006, 00:38

Very funny.

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 05 Jul 2006, 15:59

Sven/Becks joke!

Sven Goran Ericsson is on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'; and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says 'Right Sven, this is for one
million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett?
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says 'No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50'; Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger'; and 'Cuckoo'; are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says 'No,Chris,
I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend' So who are you going to call, Sven? says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham. So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants
To Be AMillionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's. Hello David; says Sven. It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo? It's a badger, boss. says Becks without hesitation. You sure, son? says Sven. Definitely, boss. One hundred percent.. It's a badger. Definitely. Right, Chris, says Sven, I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer. Sven says Chris, That's the correct answer.
You've won One million pounds!! Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. 'Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a
blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?'

'Oh I didn't, boss' replies Beckham 'But everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock'

BiscLimpkit · Post by **BiscLimpkit** » 05 Jul 2006, 22:17

Bumped off another forum:

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold onto a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?
A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. What do English football fans and sp*rm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Oxo were going to bring out a World Cup Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

Saddam Hussein found guilty. Sentenced to be shot. Last request is to name his own firing squad. He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.

Alternatively....

Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland?
A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals.

Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a Scottish footballer?
A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 06 Jul 2006, 00:31

Q. What do English football fans and sp*rm have in common?

I dunno. Depends on what sp*rm is?

Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a Scottish footballer?
A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.

Actually Scotland won The Kirin Cup in Japan this summer. Hey, better than nothing.

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 06 Jul 2006, 08:48

Sp*rm = Sperm (I think??)

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 06 Jul 2006, 08:49

Bisc wrote:Oxo were going to bring out a World Cup Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

Saddam Hussein found guilty. Sentenced to be shot. Last request is to name his own firing squad. He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.

Very good!

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 06 Jul 2006, 14:51

grim_tales wrote:Sp*rm = Sperm (I think??)

Yeah, I knew that, I was being sarky about the "*".

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 08 Jul 2006, 22:02

This gag's been doing the rounds at work and I've been sent it three times by different people by text; doesn't make it any less funny

But I do warn you, it's a tad strong. So those of you with weak dispositions may want to look away... now.

Cristiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor's surgery, with the complaint that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror. The doctor looks him up and down with nonchalance. "I'm not surprised at that," he says. "You're clearly a cunt."

Shen · Post by **Shen** » 08 Jul 2006, 23:19

Subject: Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f*****ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down ! Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He ye! lled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

&g t; I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbr! ay Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are! you still there?" he asked.

&! gt;"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. &g! t; I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 09 Jul 2006, 00:55

Thank God nobody had the common sense to dial *69 otherwise that long joke might not work.

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 09 Jul 2006, 11:00

Kurgan wrote:This gag's been doing the rounds at work and I've been sent it three times by different people by text; doesn't make it any less funny
But I do warn you, it's a tad strong. So those of you with weak dispositions may want to look away... now.

Cristiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor's surgery, with the complaint that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror. The doctor looks him up and down with nonchalance. "I'm not surprised at that," he says. "You're clearly a cunt."

When I went to see the Portugal/Germany game last night most people knew that joke too

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 09 Jul 2006, 11:04

Very good joke Shen

tom2681 · Post by **tom2681** » 11 Jul 2006, 13:32

Here's your chance to play a new game:
The Zizou !

http://www.corriere.it/Primo_Piano/Spor ... dane.shtml

Put your Zizou where you want him and click !

grim_tales · Post by **grim_tales** » 11 Jul 2006, 13:55

A joke... with a twist. (Stolen from another board)

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?"
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looked
into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
with
you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the
newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned out the litter
boxes, put out their food and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully because I'm
only going to say this once. . . . .

. . . I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 11 Jul 2006, 17:14

Aww, Mummy Bear wants some attention

That game is pretty classy, Tom.
It's a great shot of Zidane walking away from the Cup as well; whichever cameraman caught that shot - give yourself a pat on the back.

Markgway · Post by **Markgway** » 11 Jul 2006, 20:23

Kurgan wrote:Aww, Mummy Bear wants some attention

And you're just the big boy to give it to her, right??