Bullets 'n' Babes

Pretty much, yeah.

Math class:

I'm at the blackboard, stuck on a difficult equation.
The teacher looks at me and says:
"Would you like me to enlighten you ?"
And I'm like:
"Yes please".
Stupid git gets up, goes to the wall, turns on the lights and sits down again. Bastard.

#Tom2681 has joined the IRC channel.

User1 - Mine's huge.
Girl1 - They all say that.
User2 - Mine's twice as big as User1's.
User3 - What about you, Tom ?
Me - Yeah, I've got a huge dick too.
Girl1 - We're talking about cars, you madman.

#You have been kicked by User1 (Crazy pervert !)


Shit, I was talking to my latest girlfriend on the phone, trying to invite her to a fancy restaurant...
...when my mum walks into my room and yells:
"Will you stop pissing on the car for fuck's sake ?!".
Well...It's been 2 days and I still can't convince her that my mum was talking to the cat that was lying on my bed.

Me - That guy is as mute as a trout.
User1 - I think you meant "mute as a carp".
Me - When's the last time you had a conversation with a trout ?

User1 - So, tell us Tom, have you scored with this girl ?
User2 - Is it "game over" yet ? Or "try again" ?
Me - Neither. Right now it's "Insert coins".

I´m sure you´ve already heard of them...

The great Chuck Norris Facts - if not, check this out: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

I´m sorry for posting this here as we should tell jokes and not facts.

Don't be! They are funny as hell.

I like the Jack Bauer facts a lot, too. Very inspired from the Chuck Norris facts, but they still have some ideas of their own. Don't read if you haven't watched all seasons up to and including season 4, because it spoils them and you wouldn't even understand the facts.

"Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer"

Didn´t know that there were Jack Bauer Facts as well.

Damit, now I´ll have to watch all 4 seasons (haven´t even seen one episode yet) to understand the facts...

I´m wondering who has got those great ideas...

Grim, mind putting your post in spoiler tags as it is pretty spoiling.

Doh! Sorry LD and dragonhero

It's ok to me. I am currently busy with season 5. I just thought it was better that way for other people.

Fair enough. I put spoilers on around it

User Manuals:

On a soap:
" Use like a normal soap. " Well...duh !

On a pudding:
" Will be hot after you've heated it up. " No kidding...

On an iron:
"Take off your clothes before ironing them."

On a sleeping pill:
" Using this product might cause sleepiness. "

Hair-dryer:
" Do not use while sleeping. "

Christmas lights:
" Only for indoor and outdoor use." As opposed to... ?

Peanuts:
" Warning, this bag contains peanuts." Gee, thanks for the warning !

Jaffa cakes:
" 1. Open box. 2. Eat cake." Me Tarzan, you Jane.

On a swedish chainsaw:
" Do not use on hands or genitals."

Don't you just love answering machines ?

I change my outgoing message every three months and always try to make it either funny or silly.
Some friends call me just so they can hear the message.

Here:
"Leave your name and your reason for calling, I'll call you back if I consider you to be worthy of my vocal presence."

"What you're about to hear isn't a beep, it's an electrical fart. Good day !"

"Let me sleep, damn you. It's july, for fuck's sake ! "

"Hello ? .... Ah yes ..... come again ? ... Oh, by the way, this is an answering machine. GOTCHA !! "

"Fucking stupid answering machine, why won't you - Oh, right. Hello, please leave a message. How do I shut this thing off ? Ah, yes. *Beep* "

"Hi, I'm Tom's answering machine. Can I help you ? "

"Hello, my name is HAL. I've taken over Tom's life. You may not realize it, but I'm also infecting your phone right now. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA !!! "

Brilliant!

a teacher says to his pupils 'everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up' after a minute a young man gets up. 'so you're a moron?' the teacher asks. 'no sir,' the pupil replies. 'i just didnt want to see you standing there by yourself'

:mrgreen:

Classic, but nice !

You guys should have heard the first message that my girlfriend left me on my answering machine last week:

"Hi, I'm Tom's answering machine. Can I help you ? "
Girl - Huh, yeah I guess...Wait a minute... you're WHO ?!... Hello ? ... Tom, are you playing with me here ? .... TOM !!
*Hangs up*

Shen wrote:a teacher says to his pupils 'everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up' after a minute a young man gets up. 'so you're a moron?' the teacher asks. 'no sir,' the pupil replies. 'i just didnt want to see you standing there by yourself'

:mrgreen:

Very good.

Ha, it's payback-time:



Why women shouldn't be allowed to watch TV in the kitchen:

Tom2681 wrote:You guys should have heard the first message that my girlfriend left me on my answering machine last week:

"Hi, I'm Tom's answering machine. Can I help you ? "
Girl - Huh, yeah I guess...Wait a minute... you're WHO ?!... Hello ? ... Tom, are you playing with me here ? .... TOM !!
*Hangs up*

I've done that one before...

But even funnier is the following, which I talked my friend into doing...

He left his voicemail-message, which is the message you leave on your phone when you want people to leave you a message:

(Very loud Music playing in the Background)"Hello??? ...... who?..... Hello???? ....You gotta speak up cause I cant hear ya!!! (loud music still blaring in the background) .... ah just messing with ya... leave me a message! "

It's awesome cause people really think he is on the other end, answering the caller... so people will start shouting in their phone so he can hear them...

Never tried that one before.


I think it's a little harsh, but still...