How about your life guys and gals?
LD's blog in October 2005 wrote:Longing for the undefined...
Hey,
ok, it's 4 in the morning and yes, I'm obviously still awake. I can't sleep... do I suffer from some kind of insomnia? Or maybe insomnia itself? Or is it just that I find myself in an unusual rhythm? Sometimes, sleeping seems pointless to me. Of course it has its biological reasons, but sometimes it seems like a waste of time to me. On the one hand people latch onto their lifes and on the other they want to sleep every now and then. Where is the difference between sleeping and being dead? There are times, when only creativity makes me go on in life. When I can write a story about depressed people. People walking in the city at night, lonely in the rain, kind of film-noìr like. My passion for movies makes me imagine these stories on-screen. How would I shoot them on a 2.35:1 frame? That's what I want to do. I wanna turn my stories into movies.
But it's always easy to say what you want. Making it real is a totally different matter. Instead of sitting here and writing this, I could start writing down that story that has been in my head for over two months now. It's the story I want to be turned into my debut movie. But then again, writing this here helps me to put my thoughts in order.
When I feel I can't write anything and feel that I have ran out of ideas, I fear that I won't be able to live the life I want to live in the future (making movies). I want to make a living with my creativity and when even the hope for this seems to be fading, I get tired of life. I could be dead as well. I mean it's not that I WANT to die, but in these moments, I don't really wanna be alive either. This must sound kind of psychotic, I know. I mean I wouldn't call myself a person who is contemplating suicide, like outsiders with no friends and who aren't recoginsed by society, neither parents, colleagues or teachers. Thank God, I'm quite social. I have friends, good and caring parents and I have a definite philosophy in life, Islam, which is very important to me. However, if I can't do what I'd like to do in life, making movies, no matter due to what reasons, I have no passion left in life. I feel that this is the only thing I am naturally talented in. I'm so lousy at anything else. You should look at my graduation report card. Apart from physical education, music, religion and English, there isn't any grade worth mentioning.
So what am I doing currently? Who am I? I finished school, but didn't make the final exams. After 14 years in school (in Germany you had to do 13 years and I repeated 8th grade), I didn't manage to study hard enough for maths. Quite a shame for an Arab, huh? Failing in maths, lol. That's why I can't go to university. I can go to college, but would have to do 1 year of practical work, specified for the subject I wanna study. So right now I am working in a video rental to earn a few bucks. There is also a movie project I am working on every now and then, trying to make myself a name in the industry. It's an international production and I went to Hong Kong to work on it. It is going quite well, so I am hoping that this project is that door into the business. If I can't make it that way, I'll start studying first. I mean I can always write the stories, it's just so I have a little safety. But wait... it is studies we are talking about here. I'll have to invest way more than a bit of reading books every single day.
If you have read until here, I must thank you. Didn't know my life was that interesting. If it isn't, and you still read that far, I take it your life isn't much more interesting than mine. I mean what is a single person? A single human being's brain can possess an affluence of thoughts, memories, ideas and most importantly, feelings. But the fact everybody must face is the "Who-cares?"-factor. There are about 7000 billion people on this planet. What does the fate of only one of them matter? It doesn't matter if you are dumb or intelligent, weak or strong, an analphabet or well-educated. If you are white, yellow, black, red or whatever. To those 7000 billion, it is irrelevant if you are innocent or not, if you are Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or whatever. Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same.
The only thing in life that cares even less about all these things is death. No matter what you did in life, death will come to all of us. It might well be that after doing a good deed, I get hit by a car while trying to cross the street. And a person who makes a living with the misery of other people, raises to wealthiness (e.g. big drug dealers) or even fame (e.g. George W. Bush).
Life is full of surprises, which is probably the reason why human beings have this sensational instinct of self preservation. But unlike the instict of an animal, fighting to avoid being eaten by a lion, human beings drive to stay alive must be more due to fear of missing out on something in this world. As soon as the curiousness in these surprises has vanished, one gets tired of living. I am not saying that this is the ultimate reason for losing interest in life, but definitely one of them.
On this note, let me say good bye for now. Sorry if I bored you. I'm just a bit confused these days. Will post again soon...
